Brian Bertram
Posted: Wed Dec 10, 2014 9:28 pm
Name: Brian Bertram
Age: 40
Race: Human
Physical Description: Brian Bertram can be described as... tall, thick, and lively. He has the mental disposition of a man of his size, giving him a look of sincerity.
Because of his progressing baldness, he is prone to wearing fancy hats, even if it's a hot summer day. On occasions that it is not hot, however, he looks as fancy as a show-off peacock. This gets especially emphasized with his tendency to wear equally flashy clothing. And of course, all these expensive outer-wear he obtained through his wealth.
Ever since Sir Bertram was a young man, he had thick, muscular legs. At first this was unpleasant to him, but over time he realized what a blessing it was. Even with his heavy frame, he could give lithe thieves a run for their money in sprints! He gave himself the nickname Thunder Thighs in his 24th birthday.
With that said, he can be lazy to a fault. One could easily judge him that way just by observing his mannerisms, his hobbies, his words. His motto is, “Get others to do the work for you, but always take the credit.”
His face isn't particularly good looking, but his strong jaw gives him a very masculine look. This makes him believe that all women who meet him must be really attracted to him. He once said, “My beard is my bosom magnet!”
Possessions:
*A claymore – A big sword, for a big man.
*Fancy hats – He has LOTS of these.
*Extravagant clothing fit only for nobility – Like a Brian Bertram Boss.
*A flintlock pistol – He carries it everywhere.
*An inn – Source of income.
*A weapons-dealer shop full of all sorts of weapons that can either bash or slash a poor victim – Source of income.
*A brothel – Source of income. New establishment and currently hiring whores.
*A small purse full of gold coins – He always has this wherever he goes.
*A sturdy pack donkey – Named “Pebble Foot”.
Powers or Strengths:
*The ability to breathe fire...
*The ability to cause raining bowling-ball sized hail...
*The ability to cause an earthquake so bad it would turn Thar Shaddin into Fall-Out 3...
On a serious note...
*Good with a claymore. His great forearm and hand strength allows him to wield the sword as if it was very light, and can swing it from all directions with flair.
*Knows the technology of flintlock pistols like the back of his hand.
*Strong legs that allow him the ability to run fast enough away from the angry troll-father of a princess he slept with, and who's somehow pretty enough to be said creature's daughter.
*A smart and wise businessman.
*A good actor.
Weaknesses and Flaws:
*Fat...
*Egotistical and deeply insecure...
*A terrible aim with his flintlock pistol.
*Prone to chasing women... Any woman...
*Alcoholic.
*Acts like a brainless idiot whenever he's drunk.
*Does not eat vegetables.
*Will probably get a heart attack before 50...
History:
Many many many years ago, there was a humble but proud hut in the tiny town of Shit... I mean Shim... And in this little hut was a man named Bilgo, who was a hardworking farmer of pigs and chickens. He was an expert in all things poultry and piggery, which was why when a sexy woman from a family of wealthy businessmen met him, she instantly fell head-over-heels infatuated with him.
At first, he thought her a little weird. Because why the fuck would a smoking hot daughter of a filthy rich businessman be interested in a mere peasant? He was, by all means, a smart and handsome man. But he knew well that this girl, named Shania, had many suitors. The suitors were all bachelors from wealthy noble families, and they were all devilishly good-looking, kinda like Taylor Lautner and his pasty-ass Vampire rival. Or more like Mario Lopez if you're into the latino-health-nut kind of shit.
He wondered deeply why this girl of such beauty and caliber would rather be with him than those other guys. Do they have like, small genitals or something? How would she know though? High class women like her are usually virgins until they get married off, he thought. Maybe she's lacking a few screws to keep her head intact? You know what, I think I'm just gonna conversicate with her and find out. The mystery is killing me!
She sat on an elegant, long chair by the grass fields, waiting for Bilgo to arrive. A few minutes later, Bilgo arrived with two meatball subs that were obviously for both him and his date. Unfortunately, during the time of Thar Shaddin, there was no such thing as Pepsi...
He sat down beside her and smiled fondly at her, handing her the tomatoey goodness of ground meat. She took it with open arms and smiled fondly back at him.
“Why me,” he asked. His eyes emanated an intense and childlike curiosity. He truly really wondered what was going on in her mind.
“Why?” she replied with a surprised tone in her voice. She seemed confused, just as confused as the man beside her. Because you're smart, and wise beyond your years. You are good-looking, I give you that, but that's not that big of a deal. I sense in you a unique confidence I don't see in usual peasants. Peasants usually curse their lives of peasantry, praying for the day that someone like me would fall for them and marry them. But you... She drifted off in thought, but then she spoke again.
“Because you're smart, and wise beyond your years. You are good-looking, just as good-looking as my other suitors. But unlike them, you don't act like a little bitch who goes crying inside his momma's skirt whenever he gets butthurt because I wouldn't return his affections...”
“Oh... That makes so much sense... Let's get married and make a babeh.”
“Yeah. I wanna get pregnant too. That way dad will be like 'Waah! Shania, Y u so stupit? Getting pregnant with a man of lowly origins?' And I'd be like 'Yeh dad, so wat? Watcha gonna do? Abort the baby? Is that what you're gonna do? Huh? You know wat dad? Just pay for our wedding.'”
“Yeah. And then you should be like, 'But Bilgo is handsome and smart and can slaughter one of his pigs so you'd have something to feed your starving cousins from the East!'”
And that was how Brian was conceived...
(More on Brian's childhood...)
Age: 40
Race: Human
Physical Description: Brian Bertram can be described as... tall, thick, and lively. He has the mental disposition of a man of his size, giving him a look of sincerity.
Because of his progressing baldness, he is prone to wearing fancy hats, even if it's a hot summer day. On occasions that it is not hot, however, he looks as fancy as a show-off peacock. This gets especially emphasized with his tendency to wear equally flashy clothing. And of course, all these expensive outer-wear he obtained through his wealth.
Ever since Sir Bertram was a young man, he had thick, muscular legs. At first this was unpleasant to him, but over time he realized what a blessing it was. Even with his heavy frame, he could give lithe thieves a run for their money in sprints! He gave himself the nickname Thunder Thighs in his 24th birthday.
With that said, he can be lazy to a fault. One could easily judge him that way just by observing his mannerisms, his hobbies, his words. His motto is, “Get others to do the work for you, but always take the credit.”
His face isn't particularly good looking, but his strong jaw gives him a very masculine look. This makes him believe that all women who meet him must be really attracted to him. He once said, “My beard is my bosom magnet!”
Possessions:
*A claymore – A big sword, for a big man.
*Fancy hats – He has LOTS of these.
*Extravagant clothing fit only for nobility – Like a Brian Bertram Boss.
*A flintlock pistol – He carries it everywhere.
*An inn – Source of income.
*A weapons-dealer shop full of all sorts of weapons that can either bash or slash a poor victim – Source of income.
*A brothel – Source of income. New establishment and currently hiring whores.
*A small purse full of gold coins – He always has this wherever he goes.
*A sturdy pack donkey – Named “Pebble Foot”.
Powers or Strengths:
*The ability to breathe fire...
*The ability to cause raining bowling-ball sized hail...
*The ability to cause an earthquake so bad it would turn Thar Shaddin into Fall-Out 3...
On a serious note...
*Good with a claymore. His great forearm and hand strength allows him to wield the sword as if it was very light, and can swing it from all directions with flair.
*Knows the technology of flintlock pistols like the back of his hand.
*Strong legs that allow him the ability to run fast enough away from the angry troll-father of a princess he slept with, and who's somehow pretty enough to be said creature's daughter.
*A smart and wise businessman.
*A good actor.
Weaknesses and Flaws:
*Fat...
*Egotistical and deeply insecure...
*A terrible aim with his flintlock pistol.
*Prone to chasing women... Any woman...
*Alcoholic.
*Acts like a brainless idiot whenever he's drunk.
*Does not eat vegetables.
*Will probably get a heart attack before 50...
History:
Many many many years ago, there was a humble but proud hut in the tiny town of Shit... I mean Shim... And in this little hut was a man named Bilgo, who was a hardworking farmer of pigs and chickens. He was an expert in all things poultry and piggery, which was why when a sexy woman from a family of wealthy businessmen met him, she instantly fell head-over-heels infatuated with him.
At first, he thought her a little weird. Because why the fuck would a smoking hot daughter of a filthy rich businessman be interested in a mere peasant? He was, by all means, a smart and handsome man. But he knew well that this girl, named Shania, had many suitors. The suitors were all bachelors from wealthy noble families, and they were all devilishly good-looking, kinda like Taylor Lautner and his pasty-ass Vampire rival. Or more like Mario Lopez if you're into the latino-health-nut kind of shit.
He wondered deeply why this girl of such beauty and caliber would rather be with him than those other guys. Do they have like, small genitals or something? How would she know though? High class women like her are usually virgins until they get married off, he thought. Maybe she's lacking a few screws to keep her head intact? You know what, I think I'm just gonna conversicate with her and find out. The mystery is killing me!
She sat on an elegant, long chair by the grass fields, waiting for Bilgo to arrive. A few minutes later, Bilgo arrived with two meatball subs that were obviously for both him and his date. Unfortunately, during the time of Thar Shaddin, there was no such thing as Pepsi...
He sat down beside her and smiled fondly at her, handing her the tomatoey goodness of ground meat. She took it with open arms and smiled fondly back at him.
“Why me,” he asked. His eyes emanated an intense and childlike curiosity. He truly really wondered what was going on in her mind.
“Why?” she replied with a surprised tone in her voice. She seemed confused, just as confused as the man beside her. Because you're smart, and wise beyond your years. You are good-looking, I give you that, but that's not that big of a deal. I sense in you a unique confidence I don't see in usual peasants. Peasants usually curse their lives of peasantry, praying for the day that someone like me would fall for them and marry them. But you... She drifted off in thought, but then she spoke again.
“Because you're smart, and wise beyond your years. You are good-looking, just as good-looking as my other suitors. But unlike them, you don't act like a little bitch who goes crying inside his momma's skirt whenever he gets butthurt because I wouldn't return his affections...”
“Oh... That makes so much sense... Let's get married and make a babeh.”
“Yeah. I wanna get pregnant too. That way dad will be like 'Waah! Shania, Y u so stupit? Getting pregnant with a man of lowly origins?' And I'd be like 'Yeh dad, so wat? Watcha gonna do? Abort the baby? Is that what you're gonna do? Huh? You know wat dad? Just pay for our wedding.'”
“Yeah. And then you should be like, 'But Bilgo is handsome and smart and can slaughter one of his pigs so you'd have something to feed your starving cousins from the East!'”
And that was how Brian was conceived...
(More on Brian's childhood...)