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Meron Burnus


Meron Burnus

Post by Meron Burnus on

Player Name: Meron Burnus

Name: Meron Burnus

Aliases: Light Wizard of Marn

Age: 32

Race: Human Male

Height: 6' 5

Weight: 180 Lb

Physical Description:
He wears a large, grey robe, passed down to him by his father. it hangs low near his ankles, and brushes the floor as he walks. He wears a small hat, going down his back. He has bright blue eyes, with greying brown hair. He has a small amount of stubble carried on his face. He always carries a smile wherever he goes, and carries a sort of kindness with him. He carries a staff with a large opal gemstone in the top. he has large, leather boots which he always wears, as he refuses to buy any other pair.

Possessions:
He owns:

A small library in which he and his father resides.

His horse, Excalibur, named after the famous sword, with a beautiful Brown Maine .

His grey robe.

His Oak Staff with a Large Opal Stone Which he uses to harness Light Magic.

His Book in Which he records new and exciting magic and light magic he discovers on his travels and during his trainers.

Powers or Strengths:

He has few strengths, but he is studious and wise, taking from his father, making his ideas and thoughts clever, and well thought.

Magic:

His Main skill is magic. He has two main forms of magic at his disposal, Telekinesis, and a magic little researched, light magic.

Telekinesis:

His Telekinetic powers are well developed, and he is able to lift fairly large objects, the heaviest he could lift with difficulty would be something similar to the weight of a large stone boulder, or about 4 tonnes using all of his power. He has difficulty picking up objects with a large size, but little weight, as it messes with his abilities.

Light:

His Father was obsessed with the discovery of light magic, and this led Meron to follow this. He has small abilities, such as being able to light up a large hall with magic, or making a torch out of his staff. He has however, learnt this rare magic well, and can focus his light to burn those around him, and even form it into a wield-able sword. He rarely uses it for offensive purposes as it doesn't effect humans as much as elves.

Weaknesses:

Easily Snaps: His Light power makes him a powerful ally, but years of conditioning has made him easily angered, and can make him use his powers more for bad than good.

Dark: Although his light powers are powerful, they can be dangerous if used in anger, as the power can become darkened, and make light dark, and cause signs of necromancy. This makes him dangerous, even with friends.


History:

Born in West Marn, he had a relatively normal childhood, he had no Mother, as she had died during childbirth, but his father was a simple librarian, owning and living in his own little library. His Father being a shut in Wizard, was disapproving of the rules surrounding magic, as it stopped certain magic being used, in particular dark magic. His Father had become obsessed with Light magic, and from a young age, his father had been teaching him how to use Telekinesis. He started teaching him Light magic from the age of 14, it was very hard to harness, as there was very little research on it, and all he knew how to do was make a small torch with his hands. He realised he could not keep the light long enough, so he built a staff in which to harness the light more properly.

He started to read books after books, learning about all different magics. He was a flexible Wizard, but he was fluent in the mysterious light magic. When he reached the age of 30, his father said he was going on a journey to the high lands to visit some nomads. From that day Meron has been studying.

Re: Meron Burnus

Post by Katona on

Welcome to Thar Shaddin, Meron! Thank you for the application. This review might seem a little long, but don't worry -- I'm just going to be addressing in some detail the different aspects off the application so you can get a better sense of what we're looking for.

My first impression from this character is that you may be taking a lot of influence from more eccentric styles of fantasy -- more along the lines of Dungeons & Dragons, LotR and Arthurian legends -- whereas Thar Shaddin's setting leans more towards "realism". That is, we don't tend to have these stereotypical Gandalf/Merlin style wizards; that's not a strict limitation, but these are quite exaggerated caricatures that don't quite reflect what you would expect of a more realistic magic user. This is just something to consider as far as the style or aesthetic of your character.

His horse, Excalibur, named after the famous sword, with a beautiful Brown Maine .

A couple of things to mention about this. It's important to recognize that real world Arthurian legends don't exist in Thar Shaddin. This is an alternate history setting where history branches off around 3000 years ago. You can certainly use analogous concepts, but directly referring to real-world events that never happened within the setting is something to be careful of. I'd also like to recommend avoiding random capitalization of words within sentences -- that's just a technical grammar thing though.

His Oak Staff with a Large Opal Stone Which he uses to harness Light Magic.

If you'd like to use an item like this, I'd like to see more detail as to how it works. How he attained it would also be interesting to know.

Regarding his "light magic": why do you consider it to be rare? Is there any narrative reason for this, or is it just because it sounds "cool"? Why does he choose to wield it as a sword? Is this also just because it seems "cool"? Can he not use it more directly, as a simple beam? Where exactly does the light come from? From his hands or some other body part? Does he create it from nothing or does he need a source to draw from? Why does it affect elves more than humans? How does it affect people who are neither elves nor humans? Has he ever actually tested this? If so, how?

Easily Snaps: His Light power makes him a powerful ally, but years of conditioning has made him easily angered, and can make him use his powers more for bad than good.

This is a commonly used weakness that, to me, is usually simply tacked on to avoid developing the character more deeply. What do you mean by "years of conditioning"? And why is he a "powerful ally"? To who? Do you see him as being very powerful? Do his "light magic" powers actually help him in any significant way?

Instead of tacked on weaknesses, I'd really like to see some genuine character development, to see who your character is as a person. This is something I'm going to require of the character if I'm going to approve it. He isn't just a trope; you should try to write him as a real person with the real challenges a person might have to face.

I don't object outright with him having issues with his temper, but I'd at least like to see it explored more. I'd like to see where it stems from and how it affects his life, his relationships, his perspective... Not just as a gimmicky excuse to give him a "dark side". Try to express your character as more of a 3D, real, detailed personality.

Now, related to that: how exactly does his power to control/conjure light relate to necromancy? You describe them as if they're two sides of the same coin, even though I don't see how they have anything to do with each other. Also, why not list necromancy as one of his magic powers?

If you'd like to have your character able to perform necromancy, I'd like to see a lot more detail as to the limitations on the ability. What can he do with it? How does it work? Where does it come from? Why or how did he discover it? What are his views on life/death? How does necromancy affect his perceptions? How do other people perceive it?

So, finally, onto the history. You refer, firstly, to West Marn. Marn is only a single, relatively small city. Do you mean the west side of the city, or something else? You describe your character and his father as wizards -- what exactly do you mean by a wizard? A simple magic user or something more particular? You say that his father wanted to practice "dark magic" -- what is dark magic exactly, in this case? Necromancy? Or are other things involved? And why do you label it "dark"? Is this a decriptive term just for the application, or does your character also see it as "dark"? If so, why, and what philosophy regarding magic does he tend to follow?

Almost all magic is illegal in Marn except that which is used by the battlemages (or other aspects of the government, including the hospital) and a few other small exceptions. Whether he was using telekinesis or reanimating a corpse, most of the people on Marn would still consider it all "dark" and "evil" and "wrong". And illegal.

Where exactly did all of these texts on magic come from? How did his father get them into Marn? Why did his father teach him magic? When you say "when he reached the age of 30," do you mean when Meron reached 30 or when his father reached 30? What did his father do with the library when he left? How did he make money from the library in the first place? Where did he get the money to run such a place? How long has he been gone and does he keep in contact with Meron? How does Meron feel about his father's journey? Does he miss him? Does he worry about him? Where is the rest of their family?

You've described almost nothing about Meron's goals, his childhood, his personality, relationships he might have, his education... I'd like to know all of this, as well as his views on issues specific to Marn, such as his opinions on the Puradyne religion. Is there a reason he stays in Marn instead of traveling to a place where magic is accepted and readily studied? Why did his father even live in Marn, if he clearly isn't tied to the place? What nomads did he plan to visit and why? What has Meron been studying and where has he been acquiring the information?

I hope this review has given you some ideas on how you can make your character more compelling and detailed, rather than simply a 2D concept. This is an important part of writing that we on Thar Shaddin greatly encourage the development of, and we're very willing to help you develop these ideas if you ever have any questions or would like to discuss and brainstorm character concepts. There's a lot more potential to a character than just whether they have a cool light sword, so take some time to think more about the kind of character you would really like to write.

When you've edited the application and decided that you're ready for it to be reviewed again, just reply to this thread letting me know. If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to contact me, either by PM, in this thread, or in chat. The members of our community are generally very willing to help if you ever need anything, or if you want to discuss ideas, so feel free to ask any questions you have to other members of the site as well.

I look forward to seeing more. Have fun writing!




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