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Ophelia


Ophelia

Post by CharnaToiba on

Name: Ophelia (known as the dark princess in shadier circles)

Age: 19

Race: Human

Height: five foot six inches

Weight: one hundred and forty pounds.

Physical description: Dark brown hair that she keeps cut short. Grey eyes. Scars on her left cheek, through her lip and across her collar bone. Her skin is pale with a smattering of freckles across her nose.

History: After losing her family at a young age, she was brought up on a farm in Shim, and seeking revenge, Ophelia fell in with the wrong crowd and joined a group of assassins, earning herself the name the dark princess for her skill at murder while wearing a dress. Shortly after her eighteenth birthday she was sent to kill a mother, when she found herself unable to do it, she was forced to flee and adopt a new persona. She currently works as a bard in a tavern, and hopes that things will stay quiet for the time being.

Personality: Ophelia is a determined young lady, stubborn to the point of being a nuisance, but she does it with good intentions. She is slow to anger but terrifying when it occurs. She would much rather spend her evenings out in the woods under the stars than in a tavern, but a girls got to eat. While she does tend to get bored with her work, she enjoys the thrill of performing, even if she does get stage fright on occasion. While she is confident in her abilities, she is often fraught with worry about her past catching up with her eventually.

Items: Ophelia doesn’t own many things, she rarely has anywhere to put anything but a few items of clothing. The only things that she still has from her past are a small vial of poison, her bow and half empty quiver and the dagger that she sleeps with underneath her pillow.

Strengths: She has learnt many fighting techniques but tends to stick to using her bow, of which she can hit a moving target from a distance, and her use of her dagger. Her training as an assassin means that she is fantastic at being stealthy and remaining out of the sight of people around her.

Weaknesses: Ophelia holds grudges, is a strong believer in ‘revenge is a dish best served cold’ and is petrified of deep water (caused by nearly drowning as a child) despite being able to swim.

Re: Ophelia

Post by Katona on

Hey, Ophelia! Welcome to Thar Shaddin and thank you for the application.

It's preferable to have the History section at the end of the application, but this is just for consistency with other apps. I'll address the History first, however.

After losing her family at a young age


How did she lose them? What were her family like? How young was she?

she was brought up on a farm in Shim,


What farm? With whom? Why did they take her in? Does she still keep in contact with them? Did they become her new family? How does she feel about them?

and seeking revenge,


Revenge for what? Her parents' death? How did they die? Were they murdered or did they die some other way? If they were murdered, who killed them and why would they bother? A murder plotline for her background story is a little excessive and I'd recommend going for something more subdued.

Ophelia fell in with the wrong crowd and joined a group of assassins,


Going from "the wrong crowd" to "a group of assassins" is a HUGE leap. Who were these assassins? There's unlikely to be any kind of assassin group within Marn. It's not a large city and doesn't have that extensive of a criminal underground. There are few people to kill and I'd need better justification for why this "group of assassins" would trust her and train her in the first place. After all, she must have been extremely young at the time. In this case as well, I'd like to see something more subdued.

If you'd like her to be a member of an amateur criminal gang, perhaps a handful of young people who like to make trouble but aren't especially skilled, that would be a lot more fitting for the setting and far easier to justify.

earning herself the name the dark princess for her skill at murder while wearing a dress


Why would she be wearing a dress for this line of work? That seems needlessly flashy and unrealistic.

she was sent to kill a mother, when she found herself unable to do it


Why couldn't she do it? This seems unlikely if she's already a skilled assassin, trained for this kind of work, and has no issues killing anyone else. I'd need to see far greater justification for why this would be the case, especially considering her life is on the line if she refuses to do what she's been told.

she was forced to flee and adopt a new persona. She currently works as a bard in a tavern, and hopes that things will stay quiet for the time being.


Flee to where exactly? Marn and Shim are both rather small places where she'd likely be easy to locate, so it would need to be a city elsewhere in the world for this to work.

If she wanted to remain hidden, why would she get a job as a performer? That's a very visible and attention-grabbing choice of work. You also haven't mentioned where or how she attained skill in performing, or what kind of performance she does.

but she does it with good intentions.


Good intentions, despite being a hired killer?

She has learnt many fighting techniques but tends to stick to using her bow, with which she can hit a moving target from a distance


You'll need to describe in more detail the specific knowledge and skills she has learned, and make sure they're appropriate for her age and the time she's spent training. At what distance can she hit someone with her bow? You should be more specific about this kind of thing.

You should also add her other skills, such as her specific performance skills.

Overall the character needs some redesigning. I suggest going for a more simple and less powerful concept for your first character. Focus on personality and history, make your character more of a person, as opposed to fancy abilities or being an "awesome cool killer with a super special badass nickname".

If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to reply here or PM me or another moderator. You can also sometimes catch people in the chat room. When you're done editing the character and would like me to look over it again, just let me know by replying to this thread after editing.

Have fun writing!




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