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Post by Deer on

Name: Deer

Player: Immanuel

Age: ?

Race: Astral Spirit

Gender: Apparently Male

Physical Description:

(His eyes are actually brown)

One of Brundil's twelve master-works, Deer resembles a lad in his early twenties with brownish skin. Exquisitely painted and carved features give him a shockingly stiff but undeniable human look. The only things that move in his face are his eyes, painted orbs that swivel at his command.
Brundil cut no corners making his "perfections" and as such Deer has perfectly articulated fingers and toes, not to mention joints.
He can move almost exactly as a human can, his wooden structure only really visible when he disrobes, or if someone examines him up close.
To most people, Deer would appear quite normal, if a little stiff. A perpetual half-smile on his face. He stands at about 5'8"
Deer generally goes around in big, flowing and hooded clothes.

The majority of the time Deer is stoic, always observing and searching, never really paying any heed to most humans. He knows they're there, but they don't particularly interest him. The only thing that draws him near them being their emotions

When it comes to his siblings it's a whole different ball game. Deer is fiercely loyal and would never think of betraying them, he searches not only for his benefit, but for theirs also. He cannot wait to see them again.


Runes Of Protection: One perk of the runes carved inside Deer's body, is the fact that they prevent him from deteriorating. His paint will never chip, his shiny finish will never dull and his wooden frame will not be damaged by natural causes.
This means that although he will be shielded from general wear and tear, natural attacks will affect his "body" i.e being stabbed or pummelled.

Wooden Construct: As an artificial construct, Deer's does not need to eat, sleep or drink. He also lacks the base instincts that guide most people, giving him less to distract him, as such he can be very focused.

Uncanny Valley: Deer looks very similar to a human, this enables him to blend quite well with the general populace.

Strength: Deer is slightly stronger than humans, aided by his heavyish wooden structure. He is inexperienced in fighting, and can hold himself against one opponent, maybe two.

Minor Telepathy: Deer can ''speak'' to people, which in reality is the astral spirit inside him sending messages on a wavelength that humans can just barely hear. The "voice" produced is low and hoarse.
However he can only speak to the other spirits, or humans with some magical potential in them.

Water: Water does not pose any problem for him, he can float across most bodies of water with ease, and in the event that he does sink he only needs to walk the rest of the way.

Very Minor Location Magic: Deer can sense magic, either from people or objects, the downside being that he had to literally be right next to the source of the power to pinpoint the source. If he's even a few feet from it, he'll know that it's in the area, but no specifics.

Single Minded: Deer has one objective, find an artifact that can free him and his clan, all other things are secondary.


Runes Of Bondage: Unfortunately the same runes that protect him also bind him, he is unable to leave his wooden structure, and if it is ever destroyed while he is bound to it, he shall be destroyed.

Wooden Construct: One of the downsides of being a wooden construct is that, he's wooden. Fire bad, fire very bad. Fire is one of the things that the runes do not protect him from, and would consume him leaving nothing if given the chance.

Uncanny Valley: While Deer does look human, there is something about him that is inertly not human. Most people feel uncomfortable around him, and as such tend not to trust him.

Magical Creature: People whom can sense magic will have an idea of where Deer is, to a certain degree of accuracy. This includes mages that actively practice their craft, or just people with the potential for magic in them.

Persuasive: The same runes that forced him to serve Brundil are still active, and make him very susceptible to suggestive magic. He can be forced to do whatever the user of said magic wants, but only while it is maintained on him

Lacking Some Senses: Being stuck in a non-living body, he cannot taste or smell. He can "feel" peoples touch, and can "hear" and "see"

Man's Worst Friend: Animals don't like Deer, having no scent means there is something permanently unnatural about him. Shifters share the same attitude, but for them it may manifest as "having a bad feeling about him"

Gullible: Deer does not understand human emotion fully, he has begun to grasp to easier aspects of it like joy and sorrow, but other things do not register with him, like deceit or anger. As a result he can be very gullible

Naive: All Deer knows about the world, comes from what Brundil told him and idle chatter he happened to hear. Power plays, betrayals and other unsavoury and complicated acts fly over his head.

Single Minded: Because of his single minded aims, he can overlook minor details here and there in order to achieve his goal.

Valuable: Two things make Deer quite valuable. For one he is a very realistic looking construct, and secondly he is inertly magical. The first fact would see him as a decoration or trophy of some sort in some rich farts house, the second would land him in the hands of curious mages or men.
If sold to the right people, the person selling him would end quite rich. Of course, they have to know what he's worth first.

The Path:
The enslaved spirit are known as The Path and are often seen as being related to astrological or birth symbols, most directly relating to animals. They were "born" together and have made a solemn promise that they shall leave the material plane together, they are family whether they like it or not.
Their names and location are.
Butterfly (?)
Beaver (?)
Deer (Corezo)
Frog (?)
Wolf (?)
Goose (?)
Turtle (?)
Bear (?)
Crow (?)
Snake (?)
Owl (?)
Otter (?)


There once was a small settlement in Madaal, Eyropa called Nizla, so small that it was for most purposes considered not to exist. In this settlement there was a local artisan called Brundil, and he was the only thing keeping Nizla on the map, he would craft exquisite mannequins of all shapes and sizes so that he could sell them off to travelling traders. In return the traders would procure tools for him.

Now Brundil had two joys in his life; his work and his family. Sometimes it was difficult to know which he cared about more. But despite this old Brundil loved his family or as he called them, his "clan" He did everything that he could to provide for them in some way or the other, and the Brundil clan lived happily for a time.

But unfortunately happy endings are the creations of children's tales, and Brundil would soon discover. You see one day a plague swept through Nizla killing most residents in the most unsavoury of ways, but leaving a few untouched. In some families it would kill two and leave four or five and leave two, but in most cases the survivors always had someone to share their grief with. In Brundil's clan this was not the case, it killed all twelve members of his family and left him.

The effect on Brundil was almost instantaneous, as he turned from a friendly and glowing family man to a broken wreck of a person, a recluse that shunned most human interaction. Then tales began circulating the town; "Poor Brundil, I hear the man's locked himself up and is crafting a new family for himself" ''You here about Brundil? He's gone bonkers, don't come out no more''
The tales didn't ever reach Brundil's ears, and if they had they would have just fallen on deaf ones. The artisan was wholly occupied.

The rumours around town were not all fake, Brundil was indeed making new and more realistic mannequins, trying to replace his loved ones. And he did to an extent.
But it all felt wrong. His family has life and personality, nothing compared to these human puppets he has dressed, no they needed to feel more "alive", something Brundil was unable to fix, for a time at least.

Salvation came to him in the form of a travelling "trader" -and the term is used extremely lightly- his name was Bib'la. Initially he had just planned to layover at the town; drink, whore and be on his way. Luckily for his, one of the girls he was thinking of buying for the night, kept chattering about old Brundil and his antics, his fake family.

Bib'la's could not believe his luck, he had been trying to rid his hands of a particular spell tome. He had already tried to sell it off at the other provinces but even his best marks had turned him away, something about unpleasant side effects. Nizla had been his last stop, before he just chucked the damn thing. A warm feeling in his belly, he went in search of the house.

Bib'la soon found Brundil's house, it was the biggest one in town but also the most quiet, an eerie combination. Nonetheless Bib'la was not one to walk away from a potential deal, so he walked up and knocked. After an agonizing silence, as Bib'la was just considering leaving, the latches unlocked and the door swung open, he was in.

The shrivelled old man that met him was nothing like the tales of the handsome artisan he had heard so much about, but still Bib'la had faith that it was him so he launched straight into his pitch.
"Ah, Mr Brundil I presume, well sir have I got a deal for you." He took a moment to slowly dig through his bag for dramatic effect, before pulling out an old but sturdy book, "Behold! The solution to all your problems, the key to making the dead live!" The statement in itself was not true, and a more honourable man would have warned Brundil about the rumoured side effects, Bib'la was not one.

A less desperate man would have as least questioned this book, and a more cautious man would have asked Bib'la to explain himself. But Brundil was non of these things, and lapped up the story like a thirsty man would guzzle water. He got the book and Bib'la got the easiest payday he ever had.

The old man finally had hope again, after years of loneliness and dead ends he would finally have his family. He pored over the book for days figuring out what he needed in order to cast the spell that would give his work life, his one salvation perhaps being that as he grew older his latent potential for magic increased as his body deteriorated.

The mannequins already long crafted and preserved, Brundil dissembled them and etched several runes onto the interior of their bodies before putting them back together. Finally he etched a giant rune onto the floor, and laid the vessels inside it.
It was almost done. Brundil began the final step, reading from the book as he chanted.

From somewhere in the Astral Plane, twelve astral spirits were forcibly pulled into the material plane and forced into wooden bodies.

They awoke to the sight of an old and greying man, cackling with delirious laughter as he called them names they did not know. Their first inclination was to attempt to leave the vessels, but the runes held fast. Their second inclination was to attempt to harm Brundil, this was rejected by the runes in turn.
Grudgingly resigned to their fate they fell into the roles that old Brundil put out for them and cared for him. Keeping out of sight and working in secret, expecting that the magic would end when he eventually died. It did not.

They awoke one day to find the old man had passed peacefully in his sleep, but that they were still trapped in their shells. There was a journal on his chest, and examination of it revealed a harrowing fact. They were to be his "legacy" to make sure that his "family lived through the ages"
The spirit's first course of action was to search the house for the tome that birthed them, they soon found it. After some examination they discerned the author of the tome, an elf called Fiozi. But that was it, just a name.

If they were human, they would have felt anger, grief even. But the spirits knew not of such emotions and simply departed the residence at night, each going their own separate way. The people of Nizla that saw them would describe the encounter at surreal, when twelve "people" garbed in grey simply walked out of Brundil's house and into the night. Only after the spectres had left did they dare to enter the home, where they found Brundil smiling in death.

Before they parted a plan was formulated. They would split up to cover more ground, two of their number going in search of Fiozi, another two in search of Bib'la, while the remaining eight would simply scatter, seeking out mages and magical artifacts, anything that may free them.
They would regroup every year or so at Nizla, so was the plan.

They are currently scattered across the world each following their own leads, blending with society when they can. Until the day they are freed. One has recently found its way to Corezo, who knows what secrets it may turn up.

A Deer History:

Corezo was an obvious choice from the beginning. Such a highly magical place had merited attention from "The Path" once they have known of its existance, the fact that it was not too far from Madaal making it even more enticing.

From his journals, it appeared that Brundil had procured several of the tools that he used to create them, from traders from Corezo.
So like a moth to a naked flame, Deer began his journey towards the city.
Last edited by Deer on Sat Jul 18, 2015 7:19 pm, edited 40 times in total.

Re: Deer

Post by Kitan on

Hey there Manuel.

I’ve been asked to take over reviewing your character now that you’ve made this shift from Ayin to Deer.

I’m personally fond of the character ideas in place here. While Deer certainly makes for an interesting character as an animate wooden golem, the settings he is placed in both in his backstory and present make little sense. Ayana is overrun with monsters, tribes, and dangerous magic which keep permanent societies from developing, especially European-esque hamlets such as the one you’ve described. A Eyropan in Ayana would probably be a researcher, missionary, hunter, or otherwise desperate or passionate individual. Even then, numbers are low. Traders such as the ones who sold Brundil the book simply wouldn’t be present: there’s nobody to buy their goods. The same would go for prostitutes, barring exceptional circumstances.

Ayana also raises the serious question of how he crossed the Atlantic Ocean. Considering his aversion to water and the fact that many do not trust a creepy man who can only speak through telepathy, he clearly would not have taken a ship.

I would like some clarification on why water troubles him. Wood floats, even heavy wood, so he should have plenty of time to get to shore with a bit of swimming. Furthermore, even if he did get waterlogged and sink he doesn’t need to breath and never gets tired. He could simply walk to shore. If anything, this would be a strength.

I would advise you shift his origins to somewhere in Eyropa. As a sprawling empire, there are plenty of provinces where backwater villages could exist with reasonable comfort, troubled only by occasional con artists such as the one you’ve described. Furthermore, a wealthy Eyropan could potentially have the considerable (and likely partially magical) tools needed to design and paint such lifelike wooden mannequins.

The con artist likewise needs reevaluation. A book of magic like the one you’ve described could net somebody a lot of money: the ability to bind twelve powerful wooden golems to your will is no small magic. Why would he sell that to a crazy man rather than an actual wizard?

As far as Marn goes, I have to wonder how and why such an intensely magical creature would decide to come to Marn of all places. Since his goal appears to be to break the enchantment tying Deer and his siblings to the Material plane, one would assume the logical response would be to study the book which gave him life. If that provided no clues, (one would think it would at least have an author) the only other lead would be the merchant. Seeing as there is no way a merchant selling anything remotely magical would go to Marn, this is the absolute last place Deer should be looking. While it is fine if you ultimately remain in Marn, he needs a much better reason to actually be there.

His weakness “Magical Creature,” while interesting, is also difficult to work into Marn. Even disregarding the presence of registered mages who might report him, there also exists the Seers. Seers are barely functional as human beings, but work as Marn’s magic detection system. If even normal mages can sense him easily, it’s difficult to see how the government is failing to notice him. As a side note, I'd like to clarify that not all mages can necessarily sense magic in others: does this weakness apply even to mages normally incapable of sensing magic?

I’d like to see some clarification of his other weaknesses as well. The “runes of bondage” essentially mean that if his body is destroyed, so is he. This is true of most people and doesn’t particularly set him back any more than it does your general human being. If anything the reverse is true, considering how durable he is. His suggestibility could also be more precise. In what ways does mental magic influence him more acutely?

Finally, I’d really like to know more about how he experiences emotion. While stoicism is possible, it can’t be the only trait a character displays. A good place to start might be how he feels about his siblings. If he took part in a solemn promise to never leave the Material Plane without them, why did they all part ways without so much as telling one another where they were going? How have his interactions with normal people shaped his perception? What did the townsfolk do when their crazy old man emerged with twelve uncanny wood creatures under his command, and what did they do in response?

Right now the focus is fairly heavy on what he is rather than who he is. While that’s to be expected for a character of his type, it would be nice to get at least some sense of his personality before approval.

Oh, and a small nitpick. What does "The Path" mean? He calls mages "The Path" but his siblings are also "The Path"?

Thanks for working through all this in advance. I know it’s quite a bit to consider.
The Dreaded App Assassin

Re: Deer

Post by Ayin on

Made the adjustments.
Awaiting further review.
By what measure do we determine what humanity is?

Re: Deer

Post by Kitan on

Excellent, thank you. Now it’s just time to go through your errors. First of all, there are large quantities of run-on sentences throughout your application. Keep an eye out for commas where there doesn’t need to be commas: that’s often where the run-ons are. If you could quickly troubleshoot for those it would be greatly appreciated. Otherwise:

Majority of the time Deer is stoic, always observing and searching, never really paying any heed to most humans. He knows they're there, but they don't particularly interest him. Well apart from their emotions.

“The majority of the time” would be correct. You may want to just reword this entirely for grace, though. “Well apart from their emotions” doesn’t make any sense as a sentence either. I think you were trying to use “Well” cordially? In any case, the sentence is incomplete.

Exquisitely painted and carved features give him a shockingly stiff but undeniable human look, the old things that move in his face are his eyes, painted orbs that swivel at his command.

This is one of your run ons. Just put a period after “human look”

As majority of his magic is being channelled into moving his body, just the residue is left.

Channelled is spelled wrong, and it should start “As the majority of his magic”

One of the downsides of being a Wooden Construct is that, he's wooden. Fire bad, fire very bad. Fire is one of the things that the runes do not protect him from, and would consume him leaving nothing if give the chance.

Wooden Construct shouldn’t be capitalized. You should replace “give” with “given”

and make him very suspectable to suggestive magic.

Susceptible is the word you’re looking for.

Deer does not understand human emotion fully, he has begin to grasp to easier aspects of it like joy and sorrow, but other things do no register with him, like deceit or anger.

Tense trouble. This should be “begun” instead of “begin.” Furthermore, you wrote “no” instead of “not.”

All Deer knows about the world, comes from what Brundil told him and idle chatter he happened to hear. Power plays, betrayals and other unsavoury and complicated acts fly over his head.


The people of Nizla that say them would describe the encounter at surreal, when twelve "people" garbed in grey simply walked out off Brundil's house and into the night.

This should be “that saw them” instead of “that say them,” I assume. As well, “of” instead of “off.”

I might question how twelve golems remained hidden if they were taking care of an old man, especially a loony one that is trying to treat them like family. Presumably that task would require leaving the house at some point, to chop wood or get food. Considering he was once a paragon of the community, I can’t imagine his house being terribly far away.

Such a highly magical place had merited attention from "The Path" once they have known of its existance, the fact that it was not too far from Madeel making it even more enticing.

There are tense errors here, as well as an incorrect spelling of Madaal and existence. Furthermore, seeing as you are crossing all of Eyropa length-wise it is actually quite the distance to travel on foot, not that such things would necessarily bother an immortal, tireless golem.

In the future, please use spellcheck.

I’d also like to clarify: now that you’ve had the character distanced from Marn, your early draft of his Magical Creature would be fine. It was only problematic if he is obviously magical to mages when in Marn for fairly self-explanatory reasons, as while it certainly was a weakness I doubt you wanted your character swiftly locked up. While I won’t require you to bring back the earlier precision and ease other mages had in locating Deer, I would recommend it as it could be good for plots involving mages, be they PC or NPC.

On that note, because the character origins are now in Madaal rather than Ayana, you may want to reconsider the name “Beaver.” While it is possible Brundil saw a Eurasian beaver, it isn’t terribly likely one would find any in Madaal. Who knows, though? Maybe he’s well-read on foreign wildlife.
The Dreaded App Assassin

Re: Deer

Post by Ayin on

Made necessary changes. Should be better now.
By what measure do we determine what humanity is?

Re: Deer

Post by Kitan on


I like the "valuable" weakness. It compliments his new setting well. Best of luck finding threads!
The Dreaded App Assassin

Re: Deer

Post by Saruna on

Unlocked to add-in a potential body-snatching ability, as well as corresponding limitations on that.

Re: Deer

Post by Kitan on

The upgrade is denied until the character expends reasonable effort to achieve that effect in a thread, if ever.

The character, however, is re-approved.
The Dreaded App Assassin

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